Why Does Equality Have to Become a Competition?
There is something about the way people talk about men and women that has bothered me for a long time, especially when the conversation turns into which one is better, stronger, smarter, more important, or more powerful. I honestly do not understand why equality has to turn into a competition in the first place. I do not believe women are better than men, and I do not believe men are better than women. I think an individual person can absolutely be better at something than another person, but that has to do with who that person is, what they have learned, how hard they worked, their experience, their personality, and what they are capable of doing. It should not automatically become, “Well, she is better because she is a woman,” or, “He is better because he is a man.”
If a woman is more successful than a man at something, then I want to know what she did to become successful. What did she learn? What kind of work did she put into it? What experiences helped her become that good? The same thing goes for a man. If he is better at something, tell me why he is good at it and what he did to get there. I would rather learn about the actual person than reduce everything they accomplished down to their gender. To me, that takes away from the person more than it celebrates them.
Men and Women Do Not Have to Stay in Separate Boxes
I understand that there are biological differences between male and female bodies. There are some obvious things that are simply different, and pretending there are absolutely no physical differences would not make much sense to me. But I also think people sometimes take those differences and somehow turn them into rules about everything else a person is allowed to do, and that is where they lose me completely.
A woman can do jobs people used to think belonged to men, and a man can do jobs people used to think belonged to women. I once read something about a male nurse being made fun of simply because he was a man working as a nurse, and my reaction was basically, really? Come on. He is a nurse. That is his profession. He went into a field where he takes care of people, and somehow his gender is supposed to make that funny or wrong? Why? If he is good at his job, cares about his patients, and knows what he is doing, then what exactly is the problem?
That goes in every direction. Women can work in careers that were traditionally dominated by men. Men can work in careers that were traditionally dominated by women. Somebody’s gender should not walk into the room before their talent does. I think people need to get with the program a little, grow up, and be open enough to realize that the old idea of “this belongs to men” and “this belongs to women” does not have to control how somebody lives their life.
Even the Labels We Use Are Not Always as Simple as People Think
Being a fantasy writer probably makes me notice this in some strange places too. Take the words witch and warlock, for example. A lot of people automatically think a witch is female and a warlock is the male version of a witch, but even that depends on the world, culture, or story you are talking about.
I always think about Charmed because the Halliwell sisters are witches, but Piper’s sons Wyatt and Chris are witches too. They are not called warlocks simply because they are male. In that world, warlocks are something completely different and generally evil. That is obviously a fictional example, but I think it shows how quickly people can decide that a certain word, role, profession, behavior, or even interest is supposed to belong to one gender when it does not necessarily have to.
That is what bothers me when somebody says, “Men should not do that,” or “That is a woman’s job,” or starts talking about what a “real man” or a “real woman” is supposed to be. Who decided that for everybody else? Somewhere along the way people created these expectations, repeated them enough times, and then started acting like they were rules everybody agreed to. I certainly did not agree to them.
If One Person Is Better, Why Does Their Entire Gender Have to Win?
I think jealousy and feeling inferior can also be a big reason why these conversations turn into gender competitions. Sometimes another person’s success makes somebody uncomfortable. Instead of admitting, “She is better at this than I am,” or, “He knows more about this than I do,” it becomes easier to turn it into an argument about men and women.
But there is always going to be somebody better than us at something. I am going to meet women who can do things much better than I can, and I am going to meet men who can do things much better than I can. That does not make my entire gender lose some imaginary contest. It means I met another human being who happens to be more talented, experienced, knowledgeable, or skilled in that area.
I wish we could be more curious about why someone succeeds instead of immediately using their success as ammunition in another men-versus-women argument. Look behind the person’s gender. Find out who they are. Ask what they did, how they learned it, where they came from, what obstacles they went through, and what made them so good at what they do. I think that tells us so much more than simply pointing at them and saying their gender won.
Equality Means More Than Saying Everyone Is Equal
When I talk about equality, I mean the whole thing. I mean equal respect. I mean equal opportunity. I mean equal pay for equal work. I mean having the freedom to choose what you want to do without somebody immediately deciding whether it fits your gender. I also mean recognizing that equality does not require everybody to be exactly the same.
We are individuals. Of course we are going to have differences. Men are different from other men. Women are different from other women. Put any two people next to each other and you are going to find different strengths, weaknesses, personalities, experiences, emotions, and ways of looking at the world. Why would equality require erasing all of that?
I actually see it more like yin and yang. Two sides can bring different things and still have equal value. They do not need to destroy each other to prove which one is more powerful. They can work together and create balance. I think we waste so much time comparing men and women when we could spend that same energy figuring out what both bring to the table and how those differences can actually help us understand each other better.
Social Media Has Turned Gender Into Entertainment
Social media definitely does not help. There is always another post about why men are terrible, why women are terrible, why women do not need men, why men are stronger, why women are smarter, or whatever the newest argument happens to be that day. People love drama. I understand that part because sometimes watching an argument explode online can be entertaining, but at some point you have to wonder what constantly feeding that kind of content is actually doing to us.
It creates more problems, more extreme opinions, and more division between men and women. The more people hear “all men are this” or “all women are that,” the easier it becomes to stop seeing individuals. Suddenly somebody you have never even met is already being judged because of a group they belong to.
I also think that division can affect love and relationships more than people realize. If men and women are constantly told they are opposing teams, eventually some people start approaching relationships that way too. Instead of meeting another person and figuring out who they actually are, they can walk into the relationship carrying every argument they have ever read online about what men supposedly do or what women supposedly want.
How are people supposed to understand each other when they have already been taught to expect the worst from each other before they even meet?
I Have Never Felt Completely on One Side of Masculinity or Femininity
I think one reason I feel so strongly about this is because I can see masculine and feminine qualities within myself, and I do not feel like one side has to defeat the other. I have a lot of feminine qualities when it comes to how emotional I can be, how empathic I am, and how deeply I try to understand other people. I have also had a lot of women in my life, and I think being around them has helped me understand emotions and different ways of looking at situations.
At the same time, I have male friends too, and there are things I get from those friendships that can make me feel grounded, secure, and safe. I value that as well. None of that makes one group more important to me than the other. It actually reinforces why I see balance instead of competition.
I do not feel like masculinity and femininity need to be enemies inside a person either. I can be a man and still have qualities people might traditionally describe as feminine. That does not somehow take away the masculine parts of me. Both can exist in the same person, and I think accepting that has made it easier for me to understand why I do not look at men and women and immediately feel the need to rank them.
I would rather take the good things I have learned from both sides and let them make me a more complete person.
Balance Does Not Only Mean a Man and a Woman Together
When I talk about masculine and feminine energy bringing balance, I also do not mean that the only way people can find that balance is through a man and a woman being together romantically. Love is much bigger than that. A man can love another man. A woman can love another woman. A woman and a man can love each other. People can also bring different qualities, perspectives, and forms of strength into friendships, families, workplaces, and communities without romance having anything to do with it.
There is a reason I think both masculine and feminine qualities matter in this world, and for me that reason goes far beyond procreation. We already have plenty of people living on this beautiful Earth. What interests me more is what different people bring into the world emotionally, intellectually, socially, and creatively. When we stop fighting over who is supposed to be superior, we might actually notice how much we can learn from one another.
I think that kind of understanding could break down a lot of walls. Maybe people would feel less pressure to prove themselves simply because they are a man or a woman. Maybe relationships would become less about defending your side and more about learning the person standing in front of you. Maybe somebody could choose a career, express an emotion, raise a family, love someone, or simply live their life without hearing that they are doing gender incorrectly.
I Do Not Need a Winner
At the end of the day, I do not want men to win and I do not want women to win because I do not think there is supposed to be a winner. That is the entire problem I have with turning equality into a competition. The moment somebody has to be declared superior, equality has already left the conversation.
If a woman accomplishes something incredible, celebrate what she did. If a man accomplishes something incredible, celebrate what he did. If one person is better than another at something, look at the work, talent, knowledge, and character that got them there. Their gender might be part of their life and their experience, but it should not automatically become the explanation for everything they are capable of doing.
I think men and women can both bring powerful things into this world, and I think masculine and feminine qualities can exist together in ways that make people stronger, more understanding, and more balanced. Instead of constantly building another wall between the two, I would rather see what happens when we start tearing some of those walls down.
Maybe if we spent less time trying to decide who is better and more time actually trying to understand each other, we would all be a little happier. To me, that is what equality should be about. Not winning. Not proving superiority. Just giving people the same respect and freedom to be who they are, then judging them by the person they choose to become.
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