Most of the time, I would describe myself as a pretty chill person. But being “chill” on the outside does not always mean I am calm on the inside.
Inside my head, it is a completely different story. My anxiety does not really let go. It feels like it is running in the background 24/7, constantly making me think about little things and imagine everything that could go wrong.
One of the biggest things I struggle with is worrying about what people think of me.
Wondering What Friends Really Think
This happens a lot with my friends, or as my brain sometimes likes to call them, “friends?”
I put that in quotes because my brain does not always trust the idea of friendship. Even when people are kind to me, part of me still questions it. Are they really my friends? Do they actually care? Are they just being nice because they feel sorry for me?
Sometimes it can be something as simple as a delayed text message, a shorter reply than usual, or a different look on someone’s face. My brain takes that small thing and turns it into proof that something is wrong.
For example, if I send a message and someone does not reply for hours, part of me understands that they are probably busy. But another part of me starts building a whole story around it. Maybe I said something wrong. Maybe they are annoyed with me. Maybe they are slowly pulling away. Before I know it, one unanswered message turns into a whole argument inside my head.
I remember telling some of my friends that I was going through something. I have been dealing with panic attacks more often, but that is probably another topic for another day. They know I struggle with mental health, and they know some of what I deal with.
But knowing that they know does not always make me feel better.
Sometimes it makes me feel ashamed. I was going through depression, withdrawing from people, and wanting to be alone in the dark where everything felt quiet. I did not want noise around me. Even when I turned my hearing aids off and the world became silent, there was still visual noise around me.
By visual noise, I mean movement, facial expressions, people walking around, lights, busy rooms, and everything my eyes are trying to process at once. Silence does not always mean peace.
And sometimes, visual noise can feel even worse.
The Questions I Cannot Shut Off
I often wonder what my friends think of me now that they know I struggle with mental health.
Do they feel sorry for me?
Are they pretending to be nice?
Are they only saying kind things because they do not want to make things worse?
Then the worst question shows up in my head:
Do they even consider me a friend?
Those thoughts bother me because I cannot control them. That makes me angry because this is my body and my brain. It feels like something that should belong to me. Something I should be able to manage better.
But apparently, my brain has its own plans.
Anxiety at Work
I do the same thing around people at work.
I often feel out of place, even when nothing bad is happening. I worry about what my supervisor thinks of me. Am I a good employee? Did I do something wrong? Am I falling behind? Did I upset someone without realizing it?
Those thoughts can run through my head for eight hours a day, five days a week. That is forty hours a week of overthinking, worrying, and imagining every possible thing that could go wrong.
It is hard to focus on the work in front of me when part of my mind is also watching everyone around me, studying their expressions, and trying to figure out if I did something wrong.
And the list keeps growing.
It does not stop.
Sometimes it affects my work. I may come close to reaching my quota for the day, but not quite get there. Then my thoughts get louder. If someone looks at me sternly, even if they do not mean anything by it, my brain immediately starts filling in blanks that may not even exist: maybe I annoyed them, maybe I disappointed them, or maybe they are upset with me.
That is what anxiety can feel like. It turns small moments into big questions.
When Overthinking Becomes Exhausting
Living with this kind of thinking for so long has shaped the way I see myself.
This did not happen overnight. It built slowly over years of feeling watched, judged, corrected, or misunderstood.
Over time, I started feeling unworthy and out of place. I started wondering if this world had a place for me at all. That led to bigger questions I did not know how to answer.
The worse part is to think that I am not worthy.
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
What is the point?
What can I give back?
How do I feel like I belong somewhere?
Those questions are not always about wanting an answer right away. Sometimes they are just the sound of feeling lost.
They are exhausting, but they also hurt. It is painful when the worst parts of your thinking start to feel true.
Why Writing About This Is Hard
One of my biggest fears has been writing about myself and my mental health journey.
Sharing these parts of me is terrifying. I keep expecting someone to leave a cruel comment, judge me, or decide that my story does not matter. Even looking at my website stats can mess with my head. If I see that no one is reading, my brain starts asking, “What if I was right? What if I really do not fit? What if I am not worthy?”
I know numbers do not always mean a story has no value, but anxiety does not always care about logic.
That is a hard place to be in, especially when writing is something I want to do.
Writing gives me a way to take the noise in my head and put it somewhere outside of me, even if sharing it still scares me.
You may wonder, “If writing about this affects you so much, why not stop?”
The answer is simple, but not easy.
I have read other people’s blogs and stories where they shared pieces of themselves, and it reminded me that I was not alone. Even if it only helped a little, it still helped.
So now I wonder if sharing my story could maybe do that for someone else.
Trying Anyway
My constant overthinking still needs a lot of work. I have many internal conflicts, and I fight with myself often. But I made a decision that I want to share more of my story.
Even if there is only a small chance that someone relates to it, that still matters.
I want to build confidence strong enough to challenge the assumption-making machine in my brain. I want to stop letting fear decide everything for me.
And yes, I know that is easier said than done.
I often assume the worst, even when I do not want to. I hate feeling like I do not have a choice, even though part of me knows I do. That may not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me.
If you have ever felt like your mind was making assumptions before you had any proof, then maybe you understand what I mean. It is hard to explain to someone who has never felt it, but for those who have, it can feel exhausting and lonely.
Most days, I feel stuck inside an endless wheel of thoughts, just wanting it to stop.
But I guess I have to take it one step at a time.
For now, my first few steps are sharing my stories, writing through the fear, and learning how not to let other people’s opinions — or my fear of their opinions — control me so much.
Maybe that is not a huge victory to everyone else, but for me, it is a beginning.
A Gentle Reminder
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, or thoughts that feel too heavy to carry alone, please reach out to someone you trust or consider talking to a mental health professional. You do not have to handle it all by yourself.
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